Have you ever felt so forlorn that you just want to give up everything and everybody and just go off somewhere and be lost and never to be found? Well. I’m feeling it right now. Sometimes when problems come, they come all at once, at the same time. The second one more serious than the first and the third is more serious than the second and on and on. You just feel like tearing your hair out and scream. Just want to scream.
This is the result when too much responsibility is burdened on your shoulders and if anything bad happens you are the only person to be blamed although the decision made is not yours alone. You become the scapegoat because you are the weaker one.
And I’m tired, mentally. Tired of worrying, tired of thinking, tired of not knowing what’s going to happen and tired of thinking what the consequences would be. That’s why I felt like disappearing. Be gone.
No. not suicide. That is not in my dictionary. It’s forbidden in my religion. Direct passage to hell. Unless I’m really mentally unsound. That’s excusable.
If I die, I want to die peacefully and in a good way. So as to meet God. To see Him happy with me.
I’ve done lots of things in my life for other people for the sake of God. I’ve sacrificed a lot for the sake of God. I just hope He’ll be happy with me.
I just need to write this. What I’m feeling right now. Because I can’t scream. My neighbors will call 911 if I do that. I can’t break down in front of my kids. I want them to learn to be strong.
I feel better now. I have faith in God. I know He will help me get out of this situation. His help may be late. But what’s late? It’s a definition in human’s calculation. God’s help always comes in the perfect time. Because He knows best. We are the ones who are impatient and too anxious. Leave it to Him. His help will come to pass. I know it.
That’s God’s Promise to us.
‘Ask Me for anything, I will respond to your (invocation). [40:60]
“Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs (for us).”